I do recall some things, like being really smart and getting awesome grades in the first years of high school. I know I always wanted to become a surgeon and I was smart enough to do it.
However, things changed after a few years. Problems at home and other issues, led me to explore 'the dark side'. Drinking, partying and 'wagging' seemed to be more of an interest then being at school. Gradually, my grades dropped from A's for all my subjects, to scraping in with C's. I found I could keep up the minimum work required to pass, with very little effort. In the later years, I was going out to pubs and clubs and at times, would come across some of my teachers, who I drank with. They seemed to let me get away with a lot in class. To the point of checking off my name in the mornings, when I would 'drop by' before going to the shops, or where ever else I felt like.
In the beginning, I was looked upon as one of the people who would most succeed, because of my dedication and grades. It quite often makes me sad, to think of those times. I look at my life now, and wonder what if?? Would I have become the surgeon I really wanted to be? I will never know. I don't regret having my children, or doing a lot of the things I have done, but the thought is always in the back of my mind.
Ten years ago, my high school had a reunion. I couldn't go because my sister was getting married on that day. I heard bits and pieces about it later, but didn't really give it much thought.
Recently, I was told there was another reunion being organised. Another ten years has passed and they are trying to do it all again, but much bigger this time. It was posted on Face Book and it seems there will be many more people than last time.
At first, I was excited about the thought of going. Why not? It could be fun. See some of the old faces...the kids in my classes, the teachers. I thought it would be a good laugh. I told family and friends that attended the school about it, and we all bought tickets to go!
As the time has drawn closer to the reunion, I have started having second thoughts about going. Being there would mean having to face people from my past. A lot of my past was painful and not something I want to remember.
Something else I dread, is when people ask you, what you are doing and where you work. "I am a single mother, with 4 kids and I don't work" Aaaaaahhh I really don't want to go down that road and explain my situation to every person who ask's me. Suddenly, this doesn't sound like fun to me at all. I know that the people close to me will tell me not to worry about it and it's not anyone's business and anyway, who cares what they think, right? Well I wish I could take that advice and just not worry, but I cant.
There's also another issue for me....my weight!! Yes, I can hear you now, "you look great", "who cares", "as long as you are happy". I care!! I don't like the person I am on the outside. It has been extremely difficult for me to lose weight, since having the twins and becoming ill. I have very little energy, so I cant do a lot. I go to the gym whenever I am able and I try to eat healthy. Still, this seems to have no effect on my weight loss. On the positive side, I have toned up a bit, but there are some things even excersise won't fix. I can't afford cosmetic surgery (don't laugh, I am obsessed and I will have it one day), but I know having it would help me immensely. I feel like these illnesses have stopped me, from being me and there's nothing I can do about it right now. So, one more reason why I am talking myself out of going to the reunion. I keep thinking that everyone will be looking good, be successful in what they do, be married and then there's me.....an overweight single mum!
So, as the day approaches, (this Sunday) I am torn between going and not. I don't think I will decide until that day. I just hope the decision I choose, is one I will not regret later.
5 comments:
Painful business. However, if you go and face your "demons" you can say "I DID it!!". You'll find that very few people did anything like their ambitions seemed to indicate. They'll be interested in each others' adventures in life- that's what my old schoolfriends are like. I left school as cream of the crop, straight into medicine at uni- 3 years later my health had let me down and I was doing something quite different. If I chose to think of it that way my old schoolfriends would now think of me as a failed medical student, a failed uni lecturer and a failed researcher (oh yes, and a failed PhD student!); but they just think of me as the old Kay with just a lot more weight and wrinkles! Go along and meet some people who REALLY were friends and I'm sure you'll have a good time. Yayy, Maria!
well you know what... If they don't like who you are they are smaller and less important than you. YOU know what you have been through and YOU know what you have accomplished so go in their with your head held high and say "This is me and if you don't like it then you can all go shove off"
You are awesome. We know that. You know that ... and if you don't know that you should. That's all that matters :) *hugs*
You should go. I went to a 20-year reunion, and it was a surprise! At school, I was a class nerd, and I didn't think anyone would remember me. But you know what? I had all these people coming up to me to say hi! They did remember me, and apparently thought highly of me. And you know what else? I didn't remember half of them, and the other half I didn't recognise. ROFL! 20 years is a long time, and you'll find they're all in much the same boat as you. Just enjoy the night and go with it. xx
It will be fun - it is interesting what time fixes up
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