High School Days

I often think to myself, where does the time go. I wish I could say, I still remember when I went to school. Unfortunately, my memory is quite bad and very sketchy where my younger years are concerned.

I do recall some things, like being really smart and getting awesome grades in the first years of high school. I know I always wanted to become a surgeon and I was smart enough to do it.
However, things changed after a few years. Problems at home and other issues, led me to explore 'the dark side'. Drinking, partying and 'wagging' seemed to be more of an interest then being at school. Gradually, my grades dropped from A's for all my subjects, to scraping in with C's. I found I could keep up the minimum work required to pass, with very little effort. In the later years, I was going out to pubs and clubs and at times, would come across some of my teachers, who I drank with. They seemed to let me get away with a lot in class. To the point of checking off my name in the mornings, when I would 'drop by' before going to the shops, or where ever else I felt like.

In the beginning, I was looked upon as one of the people who would most succeed, because of my dedication and grades. It quite often makes me sad, to think of those times. I look at my life now, and wonder what if?? Would I have become the surgeon I really wanted to be? I will never know. I don't regret having my children, or doing a lot of the things I have done, but the thought is always in the back of my mind.

Ten years ago, my high school had a reunion. I couldn't go because my sister was getting married on that day. I heard bits and pieces about it later, but didn't really give it much thought.

Recently, I was told there was another reunion being organised. Another ten years has passed and they are trying to do it all again, but much bigger this time. It was posted on Face Book and it seems there will be many more people than last time.

At first, I was excited about the thought of going. Why not? It could be fun. See some of the old faces...the kids in my classes, the teachers. I thought it would be a good laugh. I told family and friends that attended the school about it, and we all bought tickets to go!

As the time has drawn closer to the reunion, I have started having second thoughts about going. Being there would mean having to face people from my past. A lot of my past was painful and not something I want to remember.

Something else I dread, is when people ask you, what you are doing and where you work. "I am a single mother, with 4 kids and I don't work" Aaaaaahhh I really don't want to go down that road and explain my situation to every person who ask's me. Suddenly, this doesn't sound like fun to me at all. I know that the people close to me will tell me not to worry about it and it's not anyone's business and anyway, who cares what they think, right? Well I wish I could take that advice and just not worry, but I cant.

There's also another issue for me....my weight!! Yes, I can hear you now, "you look great", "who cares", "as long as you are happy". I care!! I don't like the person I am on the outside. It has been extremely difficult for me to lose weight, since having the twins and becoming ill. I have very little energy, so I cant do a lot. I go to the gym whenever I am able and I try to eat healthy. Still, this seems to have no effect on my weight loss. On the positive side, I have toned up a bit, but there are some things even excersise won't fix. I can't afford cosmetic surgery (don't laugh, I am obsessed and I will have it one day), but I know having it would help me immensely. I feel like these illnesses have stopped me, from being me and there's nothing I can do about it right now. So, one more reason why I am talking myself out of going to the reunion. I keep thinking that everyone will be looking good, be successful in what they do, be married and then there's me.....an overweight single mum!

So, as the day approaches, (this Sunday) I am torn between going and not. I don't think I will decide until that day. I just hope the decision I choose, is one I will not regret later.

To Work or Not to Work!

I guess its been a long time coming, but finally I have a blog! I'm hoping this will help me stop talking to myself, or at least lessen it a bit. But beware, my thoughts come through thick and fast at times. So fast, my brain can't process them and I will just end up blurting things out all over the place, so they may not make much sense. Probably about as much sense as that intro just did LOL.

For those who don't know who I am, or much about me, here are the basics. I am a 40 year old, mother of 4 kids. My kids are 20, 19 and 2 and 1/2 yr old twins (boy and girl). I am single, I suffer from various ailments and I do not have a job.

I'm not working at the moment, not because I don't want to, but because I think the man upstairs is against me on that one! Here is why: To work full time, I would have to pay $300 for each kid in care, each week. Okay, that's $600 per week! Then there is the fact that my rent would increase to current market value....$300 per week. Now that's $900 per week...you following so far? Ok, next factor is that I have an autistic daughter, 19, who would need care in the mornings and afternoons. More money! I would also lose my benefits and therefore pay full price for all my medications, tests, doctors and specialist visits. So, without even blinking an eye, I am up well over $1000 per week! Hmmm, what kind of job could I do that paid more than that??

If those reasons aren't enough to explain why I don't work, here are some more.... I suffer from, Clinical Depression, Sjogrens Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, Adenomyosis, Temporomandibular Joint Disorder and other various, colourfully named ailments!! There may be some people who have all these afflictions, or even a few and do work.....I applaud you!! There are varying degrees of pain and suffering, so not everyone can lead a normal life.

There are some who have joked that they would love to switch places with me because my life sounds so great....I can go shopping everyday, I can sit and watch Foxtel. I can go out for lunch. I can have a nap during the day. Why wouldn't you want my life? Sounds great doesn't it?

It's difficult when you have to give explanations, to people who ask you, why you don't have a job. Personally, I feel it's none of their business. However, this has not stopped people raising the question.

Recently, (and this is not the first time) I was put into a category where I was a 'single mother on the pension'. Tempers flared and questions were asked as to why 'they' have to pay taxes for people like 'me', who are on benefits. This really shits me! If you ever want to get me fired up, start on this topic and get ready for a fight!

I would gladly swap places with some of 'those' people. They can have my life of constant pain and interrupted sleep, taking pain and preventative medications, fighting extreme fatigue, headaches and nausea, diahorrea and constipation, stomach cramps, dry mouth and eyes, pain in my joints and muscles, lack of balance and co-ordination, memory loss and the list goes on. Oh and that's all in a day! And if that's not enough, throw in a 19year old Autistic child who has hissy fits and behavioural problems and 2 and a half yr old twins!....Would you still want to swap your life with mine? Go on, live in my shoes for a day!! I guarantee you would change your mind before the end of it :P